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| the moon and the sky in Senggigi beach, September 15 |
September is one of a kind, a month where everything begins.
Even before the temperatures begin to drop, the start of September always brings with it an air of change. A month when life gives me a lemon, and where I know that the fresh air is anything at a stake. When the days become so intimate and close to my heart by remembering all the memories with my father and mother. I am forever grateful for becoming their child and I am very proud of the way my parents raised me, they're the real humans who have given me the world.
At some point, I feel so apart from myself; my body, my emotions, my reality, everything feels distant, far away. In the first three days of September I was scared, would I be stuck here forever? I don't want this, but it's all that I have. It's like a love and hate relationship. But then my best friend Damir from Bosnia reminded me with his powerful words, landed on my WhatsApp on 5th of September at midnight:
"Ah dear Ulima, at one point in time the people you think are friends will show you their real face. After the AFS exchange, I volunteered in maybe 10 different NGOs and I had the same feeling about the people and in the end I got hurt every time. So my family told me to always trust yourself first, be secure in yourself and be ready to do the whole task, project.... anything by yourself because you will never get help. And after some time I realise that it is the truth. You will never get help, no matter how mundane task is. So my dear Ulima, study for yourself, be good person and try to find something that will fulfill you as a person and also that will make you enough money so you can be happy, do stuff you want to do. ❤️"
Dear Damir, I thank you this is the real love letter that warms my heart, heals my ache. It was a silent moment. Just so you know, I am missing you as always, the only thing I can do is remembering the days when we were together in northern Italy. The day where you were questioning anything about me until the last night when we were in Rome. I remember your words in detail, Damir.
Thank you Damir, here one of my favorite pictures with you:
I couldn't bear my thoughts. It was magic. How lucky I am as his friend from another continent. He changed my mind that as a human, you'll always being alone but not lonely without forgetting that earth is not only for human, there are so many things exist. It may take you to some interesting or unexpected places even though I know that I can't control like how I control things in my head. And it happens.
Talking about love, The Carpenters said that love is surrender. When it comes to love, I am watching love in the lives of a man, it is like fantasizing about my favorite character on him. That's fantastic and also scary because of its uncertainty. What I know is I used to be sure of what I wanted even the cloud of uncertainty hovers above me. The only thing I can do is praying.
I would like to share a nabiloski's resolution: I am expecting to find a love that's going to change my life in the most romantic way (hahaha).
And to close this note I would like to quote the words that were given by my AFS best friend Savina in November 2018, here it is, "It is better to walk around and defend yourself with your prepared equipment as long as you're with Allah. Rather than you walk with many of your friends but they're actually really keen to hurt you upon your journey because they see what you don't see in which those what they saw first is the thing that will benefit you."
I wuff you Savina, please pulang kampung from Japan!
Whatsoever. Pace myself. I merely survived.
Mataram, 16 September 2021
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