Just passed my twenty-two times in life, I thought my 22 was mine at all, I thought I can only keep dancing like Taylor Swift sings it emotionally. Oh yes, it’s miserable and magical. I thought I gotta have myself, but actually everything is out of control. I do not dare to say that 22–I–was controlled by things that I can’t control in life. 

After passing a year without any expectations in 2021, I thought I could do better when I am expecting things to happen in 2022 as my 22 went by. While at the end, life taught me that a couple of messy things could happen at the same time and break everything that is planned. When all those messy things happened, I could only say and regret things that I should have not regretted,

“Okay dear Nabila you shouldn’t think about anything, you shouldn’t do that, you shouldn’t expect anything.”

With all the things that I am carrying from the trust of my surroundings–I dare to say that I am not that smart and brave enough. These two things silently exited the room. Dumb, scared, and vulnerable took their place instead. First, I thought, stepping forward for what I thought I knew what I wanted, life half-figured and sort of planned out. Turns out life tells me something that I do not understand and leaves me dry in the desert.

Hey universe, so when will the “oase” come to me?

We never own anything to begin with–Second, I thought I always know how to cope with my problems and messy things whenever it comes and realize what expectation means in life; to cope with writing a journal, painting, climbing, and going somewhere. I feel like–even songs can not save me from staying sane, quiet, and peaceful while I used to make a number of playlist on my spotify. 

Turns out it gets me lonelier, it gets me even worse, it makes me walk without a compass. I thought I could know my phase for crying, but things that came to me were all of sudden. My life is in a shape-shift. I gotta make a thousand plans to step forward and make my day a little better. 

Third, I thought I am super enough to share strong and powerful energy with my surroundings. But I ended up feeling lost and felt like the stars and the moon had fallen asleep behind the cozy velvet of the clouds–I cried a lot. Not knowing why and how I was crying. Even though I cried, I did not care where I was. Even amidst the crowd, I cried loudly. So you can imagine my messy face and whoever you are reading this I am so sorry for getting (maybe) a bad energy from me. I wasn’t prepared for the wars. 

With that being said, adulting activities in 23 are the real battle that I think I am bound to lose. 

For the past eleven, ten, nine months, it has really taken me into the peak of the battle, standing up and trying as hard as possible to not cry in between. I feel like I do not belong to anywhere and anyone–my normal routine was strange, adjusting to Jogja as my 11 years growing up in the city feels way harder. Moreover, when I finally decided to move to Jakarta for at least a month in planning, it turned out to be more than that. Some days I feel so lucky to keep moving day to day here, some others I feel like I am walking backwards. 

It felt unsafe and temporary.

And so, writing this, at least I could put anything here and make peace, also giving thanks to those that could not be mentioned here; for saving my life, for listening to me whenever I want to cry, for giving me medicine to keep me sane and healthy, for treating me foods and joyful things to help me escape for a while. Indeed. I was emotionally exhausted and super duper afraid of getting my 23. Some words that came to me days ago reminded me of letting go of the pain, it said; I just let the pain take over, allowing it to numb the pain of being left behind.

I do not have hope, I only pray to Allah that I wish I could live with constant eeman in front of Him. Hours before my birthday came, my best friend shared me the best du’a that she got from a priest,

The greatest prayer we can offer is to be faithful in each struggle :)

Here I put one of the best pictures in my 22 year-old self with a peaceful sun in Ampenan, Lombok. It was one of my best days that give me hopes. Thank you.

Pamulang-Depok, August 30- September 1, 2022