This is to that little dreamer from that little town of Temanggung, Central Java, who literally, literally started from nothing. It’s been 22 years of constant growth, adjustment and many lessons learned. My biggest blessings this past year were finding amazing people around me, nothing else is more valuable. But there were also some unexpected milestones in this year.
In 2021, starting the year with no expectation leads me to flow like water. At the same time, I was constantly running, working really hard, and feeling so lucky to see everything in balance. It’s not only sunshine and butterflies. I personally faced numerous amounts of thunderstorms and hurricanes.
I can say that 2021 is a hell of an emotional roller coaster.
So many things happened this year. I feel reconnected with my past and it helps me to re-thinking about my own space in this world. I learned that I could be in a world that often feels unlivable, that it is possible to usher in little parts of the future, of liberation, into the despair of presence of domination. It’s a long journey, 2021 feels so long way to pass. The day-to-day reality of stressness, the presence of life-threatening diseases that cause unexpected deaths of relatives and loved ones, there is much that brings everyone to the brink of despair.
So many things I’ve never done before, while running to strive for what I choose this year I learn about life phases, remembering the hardness that I’ve been facing the years before. I learn how to stay sane while leading myself and others.
If 2021 is a book, the topics that’s been on my mind lately are love, friendship, and journey. This year I allowed myself to fly and go somewhere where no one could stop me. Those phases were incredibly surprised me on how I manage everything in one hand; leading KEMANT, volunteering in Bina Antarbudaya Chapter Jogja, academic life, Kristen Gray research in PKM, first time joining two international conferences on refugee and gender topic, coming back twice to Bali, first time visiting Lombok and Sumbawa, first time joining AFS Global Training, first time working with the lectures, and first time leading a national media team. It was a hell of a roller coaster ride.
Everything that happens in 2021 is like challenging me to put everything I've learned over the years into practice, especially how to lead in this pandemic era.
In 2021, I physically move places after one and a half years only moving between Jogja and Temanggung. When everyday is about learning, leading in 2021 gives me more autonomy over who gets to be in my circle or whether I care less about shit that doesn’t matter. I give it all and do the extra miles for everything while sometimes I have fallen into bed for a couple days. That's the phase that I learned so much, knowing how to navigate myself; where and when do I have to walk, stop, and run.
During my quarantine with my nuclear family in the middle of this year I found the magic book that was written by A. Helwa “The Secrets of Divine Love”. It moved me physically and spiritually. I resonate with the book entirely. It also led me to questioning the presence of love. It’s not only in a romantic way but also how to live with the presence of love when everything seems so cruel. Questions about love were blasphemous to my parents and everyone who has ever loved me, but actually this awakening and reclaiming has been so necessary in navigating so much of my emotions that I can’t control my overall journey. Knowing love or the hope of knowing love is the anchor that keeps us from falling into that sea of despair. Everytime I sniff the pages of the book it brings me back to the good old days in Italy, where everything was put into a loving place and space.
But then I came to the point where I reflected upon my romantic life where some people in 2021 questioned me, “Do you even have a love life?” “Your life is super duper fun, but the only sad part is about love life right?” “Everything is complete for you this year, but I guess you’re not falling in love this year.”
Omg. It depressed me sometimes. Am I deserve to be loved? This question sucked me for months.
I used to think that because I hadn’t experienced a romantic relationship, I was missing out on a crucial experience of love. I thought I hadn’t had my heart broken and then realized I did, just not romantically and it *really* stung! It was humiliating when I really think about it. But then a friend of mine reminded me that I shouldn’t think about it seriously, none of them deserve me. It is just not the right time. I’ve moved on now and I feel better in terms of keeping myself socially charged and sufficiently connected now.
Okay, let’s move on.
I also reflected upon my friendships when someone questioned me during our ride back home in Pamulang, he suddenly asked, “How do you maintain your plural social life?” I shocked but then I remember quotes from someone’s story whom I feel the same way with her, she said;
As I become older, I get more familiarized with the “the more we get old, the fewer friends we get” narrative. It’s definitely a sorrowful truth, especially with the pandemic, it’s harder to set a date even for virtual meetings.
Time is blurry and our eyes are getting dry from seeing the screens non-stop. It’s difficult to see eye to eye in these circumstances. So we get detached slowly, forget to check-in, and start to remember birthdays from social media updates instead of by heart. This does make me sad, but for me, it’s a truth to make peace with.
This year, I am good with small circles or with one-on-one friendship dates. There was a period when I felt so terrible with big groups. It drained me so much. But at the end of the day it created clearer boundaries with less petty dramas. Friendships are hard to manage as an adult when in reality it’s a struggle for a lot of us. It’s shitty to come forward and acknowledge a problem.
All those reflections led me being extremely blessed to enter the most adventurous year in life. On a side note, it’s the truth that I've been feeling lost and overwhelmed lately. At the end of the day I’m glad I wrote this reflection as I had forgotten half of all I did this year, as the struggles were much more than the achievements, visited a few cities, met amazing human beings that became like family, parted away from others, grew a lot, saw my family rarely this year and I can’t wait to hug them again soon.
Life is a balance and even as I decide to focus on the positive, it is not to forget that not all is about successes, failures were many too and toughened me up. Unbreakable and stronger than I have ever been.
Everything changed dramatically. So, to stay sane and let myself believe that I am on the right way, the words that help me and I remember the most these past two years are; you grow as you go little girl.
That little girl keeps dreaming. Thank you to all the people I met this year, for my parents who have given me the world, for those whom I call midnight for only listening to me crying. Cheers to my team in 2021. Much love!
Temanggung, December 31, 2021
